The Honeymoon Phase...and the Crash. (A study of Love Bombing)

There are countless different directions we can go in on the subject of self help and countless different figures and characters within the industry to cover.  In this blog, we hope to give adequate time and discussion to each of the ones we cover with each subsequent post.

From time to time however, we are also going to discuss some of the techniques that are used by self help profiteers to lure in followers (see: customers) and to sell their products and platitudes. 

Today's technique:  LOVE BOMBING.

Ever been to a day-long or multiple-day self help seminar?  Ever gone to see a "life coach?"  Ever read any of the countless "Chicken Soup for the _____" books?  If you've done any of these, you've probably been love bombed and you haven't even known it.

Love Bombing is the practice of deliberately flooding someone with exorbitant amounts of self-esteem and self worth.  It's the bestowing of instant friendship, closeness, and camaraderie on an individual often times from a complete stranger.   It's the practice of instilling in someone an overwhelming sense of joy and euphoria.    And the rush of euphoria you feel in these moments is very similar (nearly identical in fact) to the flood of euphoric endorphins you feel in the initial stages of falling in love.  Hence the name:  Love Bombing.

Falling in love is a wonderful feeling - and hopefully it's something that we've all known from time to time in our lives.  Even though you may not be aware of it at the time - there are several different chemical and hormonal reactions occurring within your body during these experiences.  In those initial stages of falling in love, a couple of key brain areas are stimulated into hyper-awareness: The amygdala and the HPA Axis (Hypothalamus, Pituitary Gland and Adrenal Glands).  When these areas are stimulated in the initial throws of romantic and sexual love, they flood your body with some very pleasurable hormones and neurotransmitters.  These neurochemicals include Dopamine, Serotonin, Epinephrine, Nor-epinephrine and oxytocin - otherwise known as "the bonding hormone."   During these times, when we're flooded with the euphoria of new found love or lust, we're very apt to do things that we might not otherwise do within a normal frame of mind.  You might stay up all night when you know that you have to be up early for work in the morning for work.  You might indulge in behaviors without thinking of their potential consequences to yourself or to the people around you.  And most importantly, you might find yourself spending money that you otherwise don't have, can't afford to spend, or would me more hesitant to part with without careful thought and deliberation.

The Self-Help industry, especially those individuals and groups that lead short, or multi-day self-help seminars or trainings, are well aware of this fact.  They know that if you stimulate an individual's self-esteem into a state of euphoria, their brain will be overwhelmed with the aforementioned hormones, and as a result, these same people will be far more likely to temporarily give up their critical thinking skills and can therefore be easily manipulated into buying overpriced and empty products. 

Tony Robbins' seminars are a prime example of this.  See the video below:

 

The goal:  Whip the crowd into a ecstatic frenzy and then hit them with your pitch.  In the case of Tony Robbins, it will almost always be the pitch of one of his other high priced seminars.   

If you know anything about Bi-Polar or Manic-Depressive disorder, you'll know that these elated states achieved in these self-help seminars are very similar to, and at times nearly identical to, the manic phases of bi-polar disorder.  

Have you ever spoken with someone who's recently completed a self-help seminar?  Or do you remember the feelings you felt immediately after completing one yourself?  Did you find that their/your self-esteem felt exceptional?  As though you could accomplish nearly anything?  Did you find that they/you were flooded with energy and that you were amazed at how little sleep they/you actually needed to get by?  Did you feel as though they/you were flooded with ideas?  With things that you wanted to accomplish?  Inspirations?  Did you find them/yourself to be possessed with a new found drive to achieve new goals they'd/you'd set in their/lives? 

Next, consider the criteria for a manic episode as listed by the DSM-IV (Diagnosis and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders):

   1. Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity

   2. Decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)

   3. more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking

   4. flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing

   5. distractability (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external 

       stimuli)

   6. increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or 

       psychomotor agitation

   7. excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful   

       consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish 

       business investments)

Self-Help seminars and trainings are specifically designed to manufacture a semi-manic state within their participants.   Firstly, because your brain is easily influenced (see: manipulated) in these states, and secondly because these states of mind can be highly addictive.  These elated brain states (or semi-manic episodes) stimulate the same areas of the brain that are excited during the initial throws of romantic love or sexual ecstasy.  They're also the same areas of the brain that are stimulated with the use of cocaine and heroin.  All of the aforementioned states are highly addictive. And once the initial "high" is over, all of the aforementioned states also have the let down, or "crash" that follows.  In the case of romantic love, once the initial euphoria subsides, your relationship either settles into a more comfortable and stable relationship, or it ends and you both part ways (hopefully amicably).  In the case of Bi-Polar disorder, nearly all manic episodes are followed by a state of depression that will vary in degree, depending on the individual.  And in the case of the person who's come down from the high of a self-help seminar, much like the cocaine or heroin user, the only goal becomes to find a way to achieve that euphoric high again.  And as the cocaine or heroin user goes out in search for their next supply - the self-help seminar participant goes out in search of a way to re-capture that overwhelming feeling of self-confidence and invincibility that they felt in the presence of their guru.  And the self-help industry will always be there, ready with the next level of the "trainings" to sell you on with the lure of re-achieving that elusive and fleeting feeling.   

The point is:  The feeling is fleeting.  It cannot be sustained.  

The goal of the self-help industry and of the seminar/training groups is to keep you addicted to the feeling you get while you're there.   Their business depends on it.  They don't actually want you to feel good about yourself.  Why would they?  If you did actually sustain life-long positive change in your life and you actually achieved all of the dreams and goals that they lead you to believe you will accomplish just by going through their trainings - they'd lose a customer - for life.  Their goal is to keep you addicted to the feeling that you have during the seminar itself.  Hence the need to continue to create and devise new seminars (that essentially recycle the same information) or order to keep you (the customer) returning for more.  

Don't give up your critical thinking skills.  If you find yourself involved with a group / seminar / training that uses LOVE BOMBING, or any other method designed to manufacture an inflated sense of self-esteem and euphoria - beware.  In most cases, it's a carefully designed and very powerful sales technique - intended to part you with your money while you are in an easily manipulated state of mind. 

Remember, the self-help and seminar industry does not want you to feel good about yourself and your abilities.  They wouldn't be a 2B a year business if they did.  Like the tobacco industry, they want you to be addicted to the products that they're selling.  It's all about repeat business for them.

Thanks for reading.  

And until next time, question everything.

-Perry.